Unraveling Me

IMG_4264via Daily Prompt: Unravel

To resolve the intricacy, complexity, or obscurity of: clear up.  Yep; that is the last 5 years of my life in a nutshell.  I was living what some might term a charmed life; great career, family, vacation home, money in the bank, and my health.  But something was missing.. I was not satisfied.  I felt it had all come to me in some snaffle of events; none of the choices that had led to the objects that occupied my life where mine in my heart.

I worked in a family business.  My husband and I  had been living together, and all my friends where getting married; seemed it was time for us to do the same.  We had driven by the house we lived in on a Sunday drive because my parents thought it looked nice; and placed an offer the same day.  When I got an itch we would buy another car, remodel another room, take a vacation (to where our friends said it would be good to go), buy a second home, join a new club, take up the next hobby.. I was always trying to fill in some blank; and always falling short.

Then my world turned upside down.  The company was sold, we had a huge family falling out, which led to my husband and I deciding to sell everything and move far enough away that we wouldn’t by chance run into someone or something that reminded us of what we had lost.  I was numb for 18 months; grieving the loss of my family; the loss of our “stuff” and the loss of my identity which I slowly began to realize had been defined by what others expected of me.  The realization that I no longer had to make choices based on what my family would approve of was a slow bloom for me; but three years later I realized looking in the mirror that my life and I would no longer be acceptable by my parents standards; and I reveled in the change.

I had slowed down and didn’t feel bad if I spent a day with nothing to show for it.  I looked different; took time to care for myself and dressed a bit more to my taste.  I started writing and drawing again; and didn’t feel that everything had to be a work of art or published or admired for me to find value in it.  And I got to know my kids.. for the first time spending time with them sometimes just in the same space with no words said.  They seemed to enjoy it and need it as much as I did.

Four years after the “big change” I was able to forgive my parents.  It was a huge relief for me.. I am not a religious person, but I am spiritual (there is a difference to me!) and I felt released from something dark when I forgave them and myself.  They have chosen not to be a part of my life; and I accept that.  I realized the other night the old me would have been very troubled by their choice not to be a part of my life and most likely made huge efforts to re-engage them; but the new me just lets them know I love them and tells them we want to be in touch and how to reach us.  They never do.

There are more changes on the horizon for me; and the new me is scared but patient.  There is no need to rush or force anything; I know that it will all work out, even if I don’t understand it or plan it.  And that is the new me thinking for sure!  Ahh.. peace at last!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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